Yesterday, I decided I needed to go for a run to celebrate the lovely July 4th weather. The fact that I decide to run once every 6 months is beside the point; I still ran almost 2 miles around the park, hills and all!

Like I said, the weather was beautiful, and at the park, there are a few grills people can use to cook out. When I got there, I saw something I didn't expect to see. There was a large crowd of people of Asian descent. They certainly weren't Japanese by the sound, but I didn't get a good enough look or listen to determine what they were. So yeah, they were cooking out, talking, laughing, the smell of burgers and dogs was wafting towards me making me want to scarf food and forget the run, the kids were running around and playing with waterguns.

I was really touched to see that. Obviously these people weren't your run-of-the-mill English-only white Americans, but they were celebrating Independence Day anyway. It just goes to show that even if you weren't born here, on July 4th, if you're in the country, you're still an American!

P.S. Oh oh OH! Forgetting to mention this would just be a travesty! I got my cholesterol checked this week for a potential food study. They were looking for elevated levels of LDL (bad) cholesterol. I did not qualify, because since I started exercising and losing weight, my LDLs have DROPPED by 40%, and they weren't that bad to begin with anyway! Diet and exercise. It works, friends!

Strangely enough, things got 10 kinds of better since Kali died. I lost the pound and change I gained since going on maintenance, my face miraculously cleared up, and my data from the past week and half have been nothing short of phenomenal (and publishable!). I like to think Kali is watching over me and is to thank for all this.... never mind the exercise, copious amounts of 10% benzoyl peroxide, and going through my experiments, scrapping them, and doing them completely over now that I know what I'm doing.

I really, really miss her, though. I've been sleeping with my stuffed Kali for a couple of weeks. I know it's not her, but it does make me feel better to know I've got a (sort of) surrogate.

My parents are in Europe, and I wish I was, too. One of these days, I'll get a real job that pays a decent amount and doesn't require 50-60 hours of work per week. And then I'll be able to travel, at least, theoretically. I'm glad I spent so much time in eastern Europe before it became so commercialized, but still... I'd really love to go back before it gets even more so. Maybe I'll one day even make it to (GASP!) western Europe.

Kali died last night. She was home and passed away where it was quiet and safe, lying down. My parents found her soon thereafter; she was still warm. She had just lost too much weight too quickly, and whatever took over her lungs made breathing a chore. I'm happy that it's at least over, and she died at home, though she died way too young. She was only 10.

Doesn't mean that I'm happy, though. Quite the opposite.

Kali was just getting worse and worse, so they took her to a specialist, and she's got all sorts of fluid in her little kitty lungs. Diagnosis pending. For now, she's got a feeding tube, and luckily, the parents have managed to get some food down her. Some food > no food. She will be boarded at the vet's while my parents are away for 20 days in Slovakia. My fervent hope is that the vet will take care of her while the fam is gone, and then she can go home and they can continue treating whatever she's got. And if we're going to be optimistic, I hope she'll gain a few ounces, too.

In science news, I'm revisiting a paper that I've been writing for about a year. I have to redo all the data for the entire thing, but after today, hopefully it's one last big push next week to give me 5 solid figures + 4 tables. And if that's not enough, well, nuts to that. It's a technique that takes some serious finesse, and that's why I've been working on it for a year and a half. And it's also why I don't want to leave it to anyone else.... it'd take them a year to learn how to do it!

In the exercise world, my weight keeps on holding steady! I'm maintaining! And doing it successfully! Unfortunately, I'm currently plagued by a mild case of plantar fasciitis. Basically, my heel hurts. But thanks to some stretching and odd exercises, it's getting better. Low-impact for me for a while.

Unfortunately, the real world finds you in grad school, sometimes.

WARNING: Much whining will ensue. Life's been unloading on me, so I'm unloading to my blog.

First, my beloved fuzzball, Kali (the little Tonk bonking me in the userpic), is sick and not getting better and dropping weight alarmingly fast. She's wheezing and stuffed up and won't eat. My parents were out of town for a week and boarded her at the vet, and they had to practically force-feed her. Now that she's home, they've got her on some kitty Benadryl that seems to be helping her, so hopefully she'll start eating. But they're leaving again for Slovakia in two weeks, this time for three weeks, and who knows what they're going to do with Kal... She's not that old, and she's *my* kitty, and I almost broke down and cried in the middle of the grocery store when my mom told me how sick she was. Great.....

Second, my grandmother has had some odd health problems, which I guess isn't so unusual for a 91-year-old, but she's going to Slovakia too, so I'm not sure how the fam is going to handle tooling around the old country with her in an inform state. She woke up and couldn't move her hip, and apparently took a bad spill somewhere... sadly, I know less about this than I do about my cat. Need more info.

Third, my insurance won't pay for my emergency room visit I had to take right before flying out to Chicago for Pittcon, so there's another few hundred dollars. I have the money, but it just galls me that the insurance wouldn't pay for it. There are better things on which I'd like to spend $400.

Fourth, I thought I had a boyfriend; however, I haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks now, so it's really tough to say. He's at home and has little to no cell reception and limited internet access. But he could at least find some form of communication..... his mother's landline, for instance. It's free for me to call it. GAH.

Fifth, I really wanted to do this big cool experiment this week. I need at least 3 days in a row to do it, and that was supposed to be Wed-Fri, until I made nanowires this past weekend, and they came out well.... but too short to use. Now I have to make more, but it'll have to wait until next weekend. Yet another setback. I'm never going to graduate. December 2010 seems so far off.

I came to grad school to avoid real-world problems. Screw you, mortgage, marriage, and kids. I'm not ready for you. Unfortunately, sometimes the problems catch up to you. I've got finances, relationship, and grandmother/cat instead (Kalkal totally counts as my child). Almost comparable. Oh, and a job. With which I'm way too involved.

Ok, it's time to cut the whining now. I'm annoying even myself.

I know it's the meds that get all the "doctor" credit, but in all honesty, I think a Ph.D. is way harder to get than an M.D. I know a bunch of people graduating with their M.D.s now because, of course, it's 4 years since they started. It's like undergrad; you take some courses, and in a discrete amount of time, you get out and move on to your residency or what have you.

With a Ph.D., you're not told what courses you need to take, and after your first year, you're just sort of left to fend for yourself. Let's hope you find a research group! No free tutors, no complimentary help and assistance, no guidance unless you've got a good advisor (luckily, I've got that, but that's because I planned it that way pre-grad school. Hell, pre-undergrad graduation). No wonder med school costs a bundle... they help you so much along the way. I've gotten this straight out of their mouths.

So whilst they get their degrees in a (trite, by comparison) 4 years, a Ph.D. graduation time remains nebulous. Tentatively, my walking graduation date has been set at December 2010. It's kind of nice to have the flexibility in graduation, but a Ph.D. can drag on... and on.... and on... and it does, and I've seen it, and it SUCKS. There's no quality control with a Ph.D.... some get lost by the wayside and are never fished back out again.

I guess you get what you pay for, and if you can tackle a Ph.D., the deal of getting your tuition paid + a stipend is pretty sweet when you consider that these other kids are shelling out a cool $200k or more for medical school. I'm sure some people are happy memorizing body part upon body part, but.... I'd rather have my job of applying that knowledge any day.

Maintenance takes patience. My eating has gone haywire lately and caused me to gain a couple pounds, which I then lost, then the weight went up a tiny bit again.... it's all about learning what's going to work for me now that I'm disciplining myself less with regard to calories. I'm still working out as much as usual (gotta keep my frightening arms looking frightening), but the food is really where I'm having to learn to strike a balance.

Boo visited last week and dared me to try on a pair of her jeans. You have to understand that in college, Boo was the hot, outgoing roommate who chased boys, and I was the more logical one who didn't focus much (read: at all) on looking good. I've always put her on this sort of pedestal, thinking I'll never look like she does. Well goodness gracious, guess who fits into the same pants now? They're a size freakin' 8. 30x32 (granted, I'd need a 30x30. Short, you know.). My waist size went from a 40 to a 30.

I am so proud of myself. Looking back, I am of 2 minds: 1) I can't believe I did it, and 2) I can't believe I DIDN'T do it earlier. Even though I've got some tummy pudge and a bit of back fat, I'm really ok with that, because I feel so healthy and strong. It's so rewarding to go to Kohl's (which has been supplying me with my ever-size-changing wardrobe) and be able to put on a 9 or 11 in juniors. It's also amazing to know that that's not even nearly the biggest size they carry (they go up to 17). It's EXHILARATING to like every single thing I put on, because I know I look good in it. I can buy shorts now!

Sometimes I need to give myself pep talks.... like the days I fall off the turnip truck (that's for you, Jacqs). But I've learned that one day of messing up hurts you hardly at all. Overall, I am doing really, really well, and enjoying my new self.

After 16 months of toil, and sweat, and exercise, and pain, and reducing my calorie intake, and losing weight ever so painstakingly slowly, I have finally reached my goal and am sub-150.

Here's the before picture, at 211:


And here is the after picture, taken today, at 150:


See any difference? I sure do..... Damn, that girl looks amazing! Double damn! That girl is ME!!!!

I've decided to switch my focus from weight loss (which has been going extremely EXTREMELY slowly) to body fat reduction (which has been decreasing very consistently at around 1% per month), as it's really body fat that I want to work on. I figure that that will eventually start pushing the weight down, but now that I'm a mere 1 pound from my weight loss goal, I'm kind of considering it done.

And now that it's as good as done, I'm realizing that I am TINY. Today I tried on a medium dress at Maurice's, and it fits beautifully, whereas before, I couldn't fit into an XL. I keep catching glimpses of myself in reflective surfaces and being like.... are those my arms? My legs? My face with its cheekbones instead of perpetual roundness? Luckily, I have this wild mane of hair to bring me back down to reality. I think it's all an optical illusion; because I'm so short, I don't look that tiny proportionally. But put me next to... well, anyone, and yeah! I'm little!

There are more developments in an area of my life that doesn't get much attention. I've gone from an Ashkenazi Jew to a Brit to a veritable Aryan/Nordic (looks more Scandinavian than I do!). All 3 do similar research and know each other. Same department. All in relativity. Same height. Same 2 research advisors. All (academically) within two years of each other. I'm in a rut. Let's see where this goes.

Yes, I can be the go-to person for our NIH grant revisions and/or supplemental funding. How much are we going for? Hundreds of thousands? All right, leave it to me.

Yes, I can ratchet our detection limit down by 3 orders of magnitude from 1 nanomolar to 1 picomolar in 2 days.

Yes, I can produce a publication-quality figure on a totally different project.... when would you like it?

Yes, I can graciously accept defeat over an award that I really, really wanted (and in my opinion, I deserved it, too).

Yes, I can reach a goal weight and maintain it whilst improving my performance at the gym.

Yes, I can bake cookies and get supplies for my boys' chili cookoff this weekend. I'll even make sure the Coke is cold.

Yes, I can eat healthy throughout the entirety of everything, making sure I'm getting enough of the good stuff.

Yes, I can take care of all of these things.... but the question is, who is going to take care of me? All the work for the grants and papers are things that will benefit me long-term, but won't give back right now (and, you could argue, will really benefit the younger students more than me). I live alone, so there's no one to cook for me for just a blessed single night. My family is far away, so there's no escaping to home for a weekend, even if I had the time to. I think I just really, really want a hug. A real one. Not a cursory one. And, I want someone to care.

I get the feeling that when I'm out of grad school, I will look back and wonder how I ever did this.

I hit my 60 this week. It's too bad that I somehow managed to gain 4 pounds overnight today.... I chalk it up to being a girl and severe water retention... because, can anyone really gain 4 pounds overnight? Even if they've been eating like crap lately, like I have?

I should watch this, though.... my pants still fit fine, though a bit loose. I think I'm really going to have to hop down to Altoona soon and try on the 8's at the local Old Navy. I cannot believe I could possibly fit into an 8. If I went from an 18 to an 8, can I count that as 10 sizes? Or just 5? Either way, it's pretty startling.

The large experiment of doom was.... truncated due to some bum nanowires. Half of the experiment, however, was successfully completed. Now, to get the other half.

Recruitment weekend #2 is this weekend. I hope the kids are having fun. Myself, I just want to curl up on the couch with my tea and fall asleep to the sounds of NCAA basketball. Sad? Perhaps. Getting old isn't for sissies.

So much has been going on in my life that I need to put it all in list form.

Professional: This week: redoing a graph that took me 2 years to make.... all in one week. This makes me kind of want to weep. It's going to be an hours-intensive week, but still. I could have knocked this out in a week!? We're always saying that if we had the prior knowledge, we'd have our Ph.D.s in 3 months. Damn. It's so true.

Personal: I have to attend a bachelorette party in Atlantic City in April. For this, I need a bathing suit. A cute one. This is a frightening prospect. I had to go to Target, try on a suit, run away, and return 8 hours later to try it on again and buy it. To celebrate getting skinny, I bought a bikini, and it's here. I know I'm not quite in bikini shape yet, so don't worry. Until that comes, or until I get a bit braver and will wear the bikini top out of the house, I will be sporting the tankini version, which I also purchased. There are other things, too, which I will abstain from mentioning, but I might have a refugee from England staying with me.... jury's still out.

Fitness: Gets better every day, of course, but yesterday I braved the 4-mile trail of Mt. Nittany, the first 3/4 of a mile of which is a steep 700-foot climb. I made it, and with no problems. I was actually zooming along ahead of everyone who was in our group. The thought of me actually being able to do that is pretty eye-opening. The best part of this? Afterwards, I went home and slept from 6 at night until 7 this morning, only waking up for about an hour to check email/play on the internet. Glorious.

Sports: Penn State basketball is in the NIT tournament, and I got to go to the first 2 games, both of which we won. The first one went into overtime when we shot a 3-pointer right at the buzzer. I've never been that into basketball, but now that I know who all of our players are, it's way fun! Like seeing old friends. Who are ridiculously tall (though, Ben claims their heights are inflated).

As the Chinese curse goes: "May you live in interesting times."

Back from Chicago and Pittcon. I'm so glad to be home. My car is fixed and back in my hands, I don't have to adhere to anyone else's schedule, I don't have to share a bedroom, and there are mountains! Glorious mountains and not high rises!! To top everything off, it's my birthday, and I get to see my friends tonight. Again with the luckiness.

I had a great time in Chicago. I got to see Abe for the first time in a year, and that was fantastic, especially since he largely hasn't seen me since the weight loss. I ate great food every day and night, and now I should be mindful to hit the gym to maintain my progress. The hotel was beautiful and had a great wine/cheese/chocolate bar.

Oh, and the talk. The talk went so splendidly. No matter how badly I botch it in practice talks, I always pull it out when it matters. The words just come, and they fit together correctly. My undergrad academic advisor managed to make it, and that was really nice of him. One of the co-chairs of the Gordon Conference I went to in June/July also came and gave me some good pointers.

Now I can talk about the thing that was supposed to go down: I applied for the ACS Analytical Chemistry award, and supposedly if you win it, you might find out at Pittcon. I was not informed of any such thing, so I shall have to wait until April for the final word. It doesn't mean I didn't get it, luckily.

Overall, a successful conference. Lots of experience under the belt, I feel. And thanks to the travel award, experience was gained through a surprisingly small cost to everyone involved. Can't argue with that!

You can never have too many papers in grad school! Here is my latest accomplishment, which just arrived on the internet this morning and was brought to my attention by the Editor-in-Chief of the journal (so good to be acquainted with him): Click me! I am Quis' new paper, and I am so awesome!

Did I mention that when it comes to grad school, I am one lucky, lucky girl?

The shrinking continues! 57 pounds down, 4 pounds until goal! I can, while sitting, pull up a knee and rest my chin on it. No one understands how epic this is. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do when I reach goal. I think the photos are going to have to go in this order: picture of the scale reading some number equal to or lesser than 150, picture of me doing a victory dance, and then the obligatory picture of me in my fat pants holding out the waistband.

So much to do, such a small amount of time. I have to give my Pittcon practice talk on Thursday, plus our first recruitment weekend starts Friday! A whole batch of new kids to boss around and impress. My boys are not going to be the kids much longer. Soon they'll be third years, and I'll be a fifth year. And my boss is not letting me forget it. She asked me when I'm leaving.

CDK ASKED ME WHEN I WAS GRADUATING.

Excuse me whilst I go dunk my head under cold water or do something equally grounding. I am going to miss this place so much once I leave.

Sometimes bad things happen, but you can either look at it and say "it could have been worse" or "that's actually for the better."

In true rural PA spirit, I hit a deer last night with my car at 1:30 in the morning. The cop said it was one of the biggest does he's ever seen. Someone else stopped to help me out and see the deer and actually ended up going with the cop to shoot the poor thing (I broke both her front legs, and yes, I feel terrible about it) while his girlfriend hung around to talk to me and keep me calm, and they ended up actually taking it with them to use it for the meat. So at least it wasn't sitting there rotting.

The car, Princess, is a bit bad, but not as bad as it could have been. The only real casualty was my front turn signal light, which is now totally shattered and the bulb hanging out. My grille and front fender were knocked in and the hood dented. Both the fender and hood will need replacement. It'll probably be a couple thousand dollars.

But it's not as bad as it could have been. My windshield wasn't broken, I only have one broken light, I didn't hit anyone else or a guardrail or run off the road. I must have had time to slightly brake before I hit her, or I wasn't going as fast as I usually do on that road, because she didn't get very far up onto the hood. Princess handled EXTREMELY well when I swerved and ended up perpendicular to the road. I am totally fine, and all the damage was confined to 2 panels and the grille. Princess is totally drive-able; the damage is mostly cosmetic except for the light, and perhaps I can put off the repairs until Pittcon when I won't be here. All in all, Princess and I fared pretty well through this.

As for the other situation that seems bad in my life, well.... that's where it's bad, but it's definitely, definitely for the better (see previous post). I dodged a major bullet.

This will be a quick post, as I have to run off to the Nanofab, but seriously, I am DONEZO with this sketchy situation. Hands washed completely. No more, no more, no more. Relegated to "friend" category from now on. Focus is going to be on work, friends, and getting healthier. Not that it wasn't already, though.

Speaking of getting healthier, 2 things: 1) Today is the 15th anniversary of my spinal fusion surgery! I'm still going strong! and 2) Since joining Curves and working out there 4-5x a week, I have BUSTED through my plateau. I have 6 more pounds to go.... and then this 60-pound weight-loss goal will be donezo. Donezo like I am TOTALLY with a certain very, very confused and contradictory Brit. And, donezo like he 100% is with me. I think a clean slate is good.

I decided to buy new black pants on Sunday. I haven't bought black pants since the beginning of college, and they were a steal at 20 bucks. But now they're a) falling apart, and b) 4 sizes too big. They were ok for the Gordon Conference when I was a 14, but now I'm hiking them up all over the place. Not appropriate for Pittcon.

I claim to not know what size I am, and it does vary from day to day, but the truth is, I know what size I am. I'm a 10. This doesn't stop me from taking a 12 (just in case) into the dressing room with me. The 12s are always too big. The 10s always fit. Yet, I still take a 12 in with me. Same thing with t-shirts. When we get free ones, I need a medium, but I am hard-wired to tell the people handing them out that I need a large or an extra large. Why?

I think I still can't believe I'm this size. I should give myself a super mind-blowing and grab an 18, my dedicated size for 5 years, off the rack. I keep thinking that somehow, somewhere, in some brand, I'm still an 18. An 18 is comfortable. An 18 is normal for me. A 10.... that's WEIRD. I haven't changed; clearly the sizes of every single clothing company have! That's not Quis. But, in the mirror, it is. Goodness gracious. I have to get used to a 10. And now that the weight is creeping down again, that might be an 8 soon.

Nevertheless, for being awesome and dropping sizes, I invested in a $40 pair of Vera Wang pants that feel like PJs. I don't think I will mind wearing those around Chicago! And yes, they're a size 10.

Papers: they're glorious things, but I always forget the hardships that go into their manufacture. I've done this 3 times already; why is this such a surprise? I do believe because this time, we were up against a hard deadline.

I didn't really get to participate in the Obama revelry since yesterday from 9 am to 11 pm straight was ACS Nano paper time, with a brief break for Obama inauguration/speech, lunch, and dinner. But despite complete exhaustion on Chris' and my part, the paper is written and in, and it's very thorough for a 2000 word Perspectives article. I am especially proud of my figure.

Stressful days like those make me enjoy these more. Tonight I have time to write in my blog and journal, do laundry, recover from giving blood, and prepare a package to fly off to Britain. I even treated myself to sushi! Bless Wegmans for having healthy spicy sushi, even with brown rice! Surprise! I have been starving constantly lately, and sushi seems to be one thing that successfully quells the hunger pangs. It is a luxuriant relief to not only be full right now, but satisfied.

I promise I'd make more sense if I wasn't soooooo tirrrrredddd.....

I swear, I get more and more scared of the snow with more exposure. My first year here, it was like, YEE-HA! SNOWSNOWSNOW! I was making up for 22 years without. Now I sit behind the wheel freaking out at every little fishtail. And then I saw a Volvo, making a 135 degree turn to fishtail wildly and fly down the hill leading to my apartment. Sheesh.... some people must be so used to this. They have no fear. I want my Georgia license plate back.

I decided that I am going to participate in the Pound for Pound Challenge. I figure, I am going to lose it, so why not pledge the weight away to stock America's food banks? So, hopefully.... 10 pounds by April. That's totally do-able. I lost 52. I can lose 10 more. And then the goal shall be attained. Perhaps I shall set another goal, depending on how I feel.

The weirdest thing is, I'm being asked for advice by the New-Years-Resolutions-people. It's great to help them get off to a good start. I know that most of them will give up and quit. But some of them won't. I can only hope that what I say convinces them to keep going.

I've been feeling weary of it all lately. I've been at this for a year. When does it all get to finally be over? Hopefully April....

In 3 days, since getting back, I have been afforded the opportunity to write 2 papers in the immediate future. This brings my 2009 paper count up to 3, and it's not even the end of the first week of January!

The first paper is due absolutely on the 20th, as this is when they go to press. It's a Perspectives article in ACS Nano, the ACS's very, very pretty full-article nano journal that is supposed to go hand-in-hand with Nano Letters and The Journal of Physical Chemistry C. It won't be a research article, but rather a short (~2000 word) blurb about a paper published in the current issue and how it fits into current and previous research.

The second paper, which I found out that I am co-authoring approximately 6 hours ago, is a paper for which I am doing some assays that other people can learn, but that I have been doing for years, and currently, I am really the only person in the lab who does them. Quicker data, quicker results, quicker publication, bam bam bam. No idea where it'll go. Langmuir? J. Phys. Chem. C? Nano Letters? If it went to Nucleic Acids Research, I'd be one happy Quis.

People, when it comes to grad school opportunities, no one has been luckier than I, and I can't believe my good fortune. Truly astounding.

EDIT: It'll go in either Nano Letters or ACS Nano! :D